thumbtack zen

hobbit house.
headquarters.
club 5.
the home to so many artists, yet nothing on the walls.

here and there it is acquiring quite the eclectic collection...

yet, in the midst there stand a couple that need to have a space....
but, given the attic space and the A frame walls, it's less than simple.


David and Chris's pictures from Europe.
I didn't know where they should go.
Sitting at my desk, I found a perfect space for them just next to the bookshelf. I grabbed a couple thumbtacks and noticed tack holes just where i was about to put them.
the holes already existed!!
the first one went in just where i wanted it to go.
the second, hit the first exact! (no laser level needed here...!!)
they fit perfect.

they were suppose to go there...
they were suppose to exist...

holiday 2004

{a journal entry from 2004}

the holidays were okay.
oddly, my mother and i got along very well. she picked me up at the airport in sac on xmas day, we got in the car and chatted/laughed it up for about an hour and a half. That's when we realizied we'd gone the wrong way from the airport and were about an hour out of where we were supose to be!! We stopped @ a gas station--i offered to drive the right way home....and she says:
"oh, good! if you drive, I can smoke a joint"
"you didn't already??!"
"no, i knew you'ld give me shit if i was high and got us lost.....see--i got us lost anyway! i'm just as confused high or not--so i may as well be high!"
as much as i didn't want to, i had to agree.
we laughed about that and her following stoner moments, her telling me to slow down cuz she was smokin, and me giving her more shit about if we got pulled over...and trying to explain to the cop that it was my mom who was reeking up the car....

destinations

destination vs journey cusp.....

i have that "end in sight" feeling....
the good one. the one you get when you work toward something for a long time and start to see it all coming together....that happy place :)

i love the journey, but it's nice to know what the destination is and allow yourself to take on new journeys....

religion specific panties ??

While shopping Amazon for a baby shower gift and listening to The Daily Show in the background, I heard something I just HAD to check the internet for....
As The Daily Show is famous and loved for doing, Samantha Bee was comedic/mock interviewing a Mormon woman about "Could we trust a Mormon president". During the interview, she brought up the "secret Mormon underwear" to which the Mormon woman refused to answer stating it was a sacred thing in the churh.....
Curiosity got the better of me and I simply googled it :)
These are the results I got:
(and am flabbergasted by....)




For temple-going Mormons, the garment serves much the same purpose as religious clothing throughout history—it privately sets them apart from the world and signifies a covenant between the wearer and God. There is no professional clergy in the LDS Church, so in some ways the garment serves as a symbol of the lay clergy, where both men and women share in the responsibilities and blessings of the priesthood, particularly in the temple.

If you look at a pair of garments, there is nothing physically special about them. They are made from a variety of light-weight fabrics, and most garments are white. (There are some special colored garments that can be worn by members of the armed services, but for the vast majority of Mormons, garments are always white.) The white color symbolizes purity and the length and cut of the garment helps assure modesty in dress and appearance. The garment bears several simple marks related to gospel principles of obedience, truth, and discipleship in Christ.

The meaning attached to the garment by devout Mormons transcends the fabric and design used to create the garment. It is sacred to the wearer not for what it is, but for what it represents. It reminds the wearer of the continuing need for repentance and obedience to God, the need to honor binding covenants voluntarily made in the temple, and the need to cherish and share truth and virtue in our daily living. By so doing, the garment helps the wearer to focus his or her life on Jesus Christ and to thereby lay claim on the blessings promised to those who do so.



So, by wearing the religious sect panties, you are closer to God and all that is Holy? What a load of crap to feed the "sex is bad" schpeel!!

I wonder if the mormon church makes a Holy dildo?
hmmmm......

mucho

I just got in from a meeting with Dr. Beau talking about the art at Chiropractique.
We talked about how to make the clients more appreciate and (importantly) want to buy your art....

In talking and devising, Dr. Beau shared something I wanted to make sure to pass on.
He mentioned how much everyone has appreciated and admired the art, but said 2 of the artists received such a positive response that it was overwhelming. People in the office, the patients and all have been focused on both Amy Paul and Brittni Cute's pieces.

I would like to say "Yippee!" and "Uh, yea, they are super....I KNOW!"
And more than that: Thank you for following what you love and expressing that which is truly unique to you....

continuing to expose you as much as possible....

smile on...

tell me why

my mother died today.
well, not today really...but that is truly the first thought my head had when i heard the news.
it was news...
it was the first line of the book i'll write...
it was completion...
it was everything unresolved...
it was nothing...
it was everything...
yea, she'd been "battling cancer"
yea, she'd lived a life of selfish behaviors
yea, she'd repedidly told me in detail of how her death would come to be....

what am i left with?
that's the question.
i have yet to figure it out.
i've also yet to weep over her loss, death, passing, demise...
yet i continue to weep, bawl, act out, react to her influence in my life.
honestly, i am so tired of being trapped by the world that was created for me way back when.
bored of reactions to seeminly normal situations

i've begun to listen to REM and a song that says so much so better than i could....

"Final Straw"

As I raise my head to broadcast my objection
As your latest triumph draws the final straw
Who died and lifted you up to perfection?
And what silenced me is written into law.

I can't believe where circumstance has thrown me
And I turn my head away
If I look I'm not sure that I could face you.
Not again. not today. not today.

If hatred makes a play on me tomorrow
And forgiveness takes a back seat to revenge
There's a hurt down deep that has not been corrected.
There's a voice in me that says you will not win.

And if I ignore the voice inside,
Raise a half glass to my home.
But it's there that I am most afraid,
And forgetting doesn't hold. it doesn't hold.

Now I don't believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I'm putting up a fight. I'm putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. make it right. make it right.

Now love cannot be called into question.
Forgiveness is the only hope I hold.
And love- love will be my strongest weapon.
I do believe that I am not alone.

For this fear will not destroy me.
And the tears that have been shed
It's knowing now where I am weakest
And the voice in my head. in my head.

Then I raise my voice up higher
And I look you in the eye
And I offer love with one condition.
With conviction, tell me why.
Tell me why.
Tell me why.
Look me in the eye.
Tell me why.

wishes

a conversation between me and my best friend:

greg: I just saw a shooting star
me : make a wish!
greg: but they never come true
me : make an easier one then

the dance

i don't know what it is, but i've found myself surrounded with people broken hearted. each of them has such an energy and deserves none of the heartbreak and tears that i've been witness to.
in some odd way, each tear and heartbreak moment has made me feel special that my ear and presence was the chosen way to get through it all....sometimes i make too many jokes and other times i delve into my own past issues....but each of us has hurt in our memories and to be the shoulder for the moment makes me feel and as much as it breaks my heart to see those i love in pain, i am happy we have each other to go through it....

a freind posted this after a recent heart break and it sheds some prose on otherwise only felt thoughts

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

listpic

geek post:

for those of you that are in love with craigslist as i am:

check out:
listpic.com

it allows you to search the photos in the posts!

wow, love this!

regina specktor

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Regina Spektor On The Radio Lyrics

amaZing!

The sUper show at Chiropractique proved to be amaZing!!
-4 local artists
-sake martinis
-sushi
-dj
-3 servers
-3 security peeps

-A line around the building to get in!!
-yummy cocktails flowing!!
-smiles abounded
-sold art!!!

PHOTO LINK moRe to come!

overall, an incredible time!

Dr. Beau and his entire staff are amazing! I look forward to the many sUper things we create!!!

at last...

I've been wanting to have a cause for some time now.
Something I could be proud to help.

At last, I've found it and the Black and White event
will be moRe sUper's 1st go at raising money for the children.
Dr. Beau has graciously offered gift certificates for
chiropractic and massage and each of the artists will donate
as well.....

more @ www.kids-with-cameras.org

one reason

1. press play
2. read
3. listen and read



Tracy Chapman - Give Me One Reason

|


Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you, I called too many times
You can call me baby, you can call me anytime
But you got to call me

Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

I dont want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I dont want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But Im too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby just give me one reason - give me just one reason why
Baby just give me one reason - give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there aint no more to say

wipe it off with a drag

A guy in a salon just had his hair dyed and the dark dye had left a ring of dark around his temples and neck.
He suggested a remedy to remove the dye from the skin without harming the newly dyed hair:
apparently, if you put a moist towel into cigarette ashes and then rub it into your skin, it removes the dye from the skin but not the hair.....
(before using this technique, the stylist tried all the products designed to do this task)
(They all failed)
I stepped outside, lit a cigarette and held onto the ashes in a small cup.
Once inside with the cup of ashes, the client used a wet towel to dab the ashes up and proceeded to rub them into his forehead, ear-lobes and neck.
--It worked!
where there was once black dye framing his face was just slightly reddened skin.....

as he left, he gave another word of hair-color wisdom:
if you ever get a bad color, use Prell.
guess this shampoo will strip the hair of color.
(didn't test this one....)

sUper artists

scott holdredge
shayna yates
amy paul
barclay osborn
long le
jenifer norton
david talbot
zaque pollard
michael saltsman
sean deitrich
matt browne

stiLL jiLL site

It has been a work in progress, to say the least.
I used iWeb to create a site with a multitude of things...
pictures
friends
design
.......


stiLL jiLL site

U2

I watched this a few weeks ago and it entirely captured me......
It says so much and is a tribute to all who've contributed.....

on the 7th day, she discovered podcast...

what an amazing thing!
I have subscribed to tutorials for design (complete CS2) and have been sitting up watching them for all together too long now!
WOW!
this is amazing! just a year ago, while I was in school, I was paying for the video tutorials that are now available for free!

i think i just lost more sleep.....

look up

I've always had a thing with being on the roof. There is something forbidden about it, yes....but more it is a nice way to look out at the world you see everyday.
This is from my current roof with friends....

when I go missing, look up.......

challenge or test?

it's only 28 days.
february is a short month.
i'll get so much more done.
i'm bound to make better decisions.
maybe be on time for deadlines and appointments.
the month of february has beccome a personal challenge i've never completed or previously undertaken: An entire month of sobriety..... sounds simple enough, but understand working in a bar, going to multiple art shows and having a love of wine makes such a thing quite challenging.

3days in and attending an art show:
i run into my favorite photographer (whom i harbor a long standing crush).
i'm invited to join him and his 2 bosses (who happen to own and operate a highly successful and admired graphic design firm).
they are heading back to one of the owners homes to partake in cellared wine and discuss art, the scene and what ever else....
i HAD to decline.
i saw no way possible to say no to wine in that setting.
i almost folded.
this is a business opportunity....
aw, the wine that may be pulled....
life and this business is all about networking....
(then the conscious)
there will be other invites....
geesh, i really hope so!

after meeting my 'at least 10 new people' quota, i leave the show and head home. i stop into albersons and pick up some cookies and decide my caloric intake will come from keebler tonight.....
as i'm walking out of the grocery store, my beautiful russian friend calls to say that she is with the owner of an animation studio and his hot brittish friend. (they are going to some swanky bar and want to take us both out.....
Is this a test?
What is the passing grade?

.....instead of rubbing elbows and tasting celared vino or sipping overpriced martini's, i sit home with a mint cookie belly ache, buying music on iTunes and documenting that i have made it 3-whole-days......
oh, this should be an interresting month.....

kurt vonnegut wisdom

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been probed by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you can imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't know.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And then you do you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look like 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more that it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

perception

homework

::laugh so hard your stomach hurts::

::your eyes look like crap::

and you don't even know why
you started
in the

first place...

space mountian

sitting in a big bean bag chair isn't so bad, comfy even...
when i was a kid..maybe 11 at most...my grandparents took me from California to Florida.
As a kid, it really wasn't a big-thing to be in Florida for the summer.
It was hot.
It was far away from home.
It was something different.
It was just another place...
It was a summer with my grandparents at his sister's house. It turned out to be so much more than anything I'd yet to experience.
--sure, there was the swimming pool....
The 40minute "after you eat rule" was the only thing that kept me from swimming, diving, and learining the fine art of jumping onto a raft from the side of the pool!
.....and there were these cusin's that fell all over me --combing my hair--putting make up one me--teaching me to cannon-ball-- They were the best childhood friends I was hoping to have. The siblings I'd never experienced. After only a week, I cried leavingHelana and Rachel...
over the years, mimi tells me what is going on. rachel had a kid, helana got married, cusin-jenninfer has a new job. she shows me the pictures everytime i go for the holidays. And, everytime i look at them: i recognize who they are....
i don't know them.
i recognize them....

--WhoA! WAY off topic! ----

So, we were in Floria.
I was 11.
It was me and my grandparents.
-mimi and poppy-
We stayed with Poppy's sister Gloria and her husband Ernie.
They owned a resturant and we went there allot.
The had the 1st indoor pool I'd ever seen....
and i had quite a time understanding why you would keep a pool inside and cooled most of the year...
The BIG kid day out was DisneyWorld.
I don't honestly remember much of it.....
it was during the time I first started getting migrane headaches.....
I got one just before we got onto Space Mountian.
I started feeling cranky and my head thumping, but refused to sit out on a ride. The coaser was the bumpiest, darkest I'd ever been on.....I LOVED it!
Shortly after debarking the cruiser on the Mountain, I stuck my migrane-head into a trash can and puked my guts up. This was the first of many migrane-puke incedences, but it
(the migrane or the puke)
is not the focus of the story.....
again, I get side-tracked...
What really amazed and has stayed with me all these years is not the f ride or the new city, family, or anything else.
What it was was the exhibit after the Space Mountian ride.
Most of the scenes were very 'futuristic'.
Entertaining enough to glance at as you walk by kind of allure....
But.
Then.
I saw the thing that I will NEVER forget.

The scene was set in a teenage girls bedroom.
She had a big bed and she was propt up with a small device that she was playing with in some fashion. Above her was a slanted roof that projected the television.....
AND her friend's phone calls!
It was that small device I've always seen in my memory........
For ages, I dreamed of it.
The 'futuristic' became a bit of a fantasy.

and now...

Living the fantasy.....

writing the story of this while
laying in bed at my house with a slanted roof
using my iBook.....

This is one of those moments.
ir.rie.place.a.blle

irr.rie.place.a.blle

those random moments:

ir.rie.place.a.blle
(n) :: a moment.a person.a flavor...memory...experience..
(v) :: unable to duplicate...
(adj ) :: who you couldn't be with out "it"
i.e no matter what
when (?)
why ((??))
because it never existed before that moment
and it will never repeat itself

it's those moments, the getting to it, it's the looking back on them as they happened, it's ....
well, it's:
ir.rie.place.a.blle